I've come to the conclusion that I'm destined to be single for the rest of my life and that I am most certainly going to die alone. Stay with me, here. It's a combination of being too nerdy, socially awkward, damaged, fat, and esoteric. On their own, each of those flaws aren't necessarily deal-breakers. Taken together, however, they more or less disqualify me from the dating pool. Allow me break it down and elaborate.
My interests and hobbies are seemingly harmless enough; there is an ever growing number of women who are interested in science, technology, gaming, and related areas. However, my passion is far too in-depth and is off-putting to the average individual. I can name every enemy in every Super Mario game, all 721 Pokémon plus their base stats and movepools, and can richly describe every last detail of every JRPG I've ever played. I'm known as something of a walking encyclopedia, knowing tons of trivia from science, history, language, and so on and so forth. This tells people that I have absolutely no social life and no one wants to become involved with such a person. Human beings are social animals and not being social is cause for concern and ostracization. My social awkwardness ties into this as well. It's simple biology and sociology. The fat thing is easy enough to explain. Being fat is being unhealthy. And I don't care enough to change that. And health is, in an evolutionary sense, predictive of a person's ability to provide. Again, it's biology. I'm a very damaged person, emotionally speaking. I have non-existent levels of confidence and self-esteem and cannot function day-to-day on my own. I'm needy, unreasonable, pedantic, and demanding. I have nothing of value to offer in a relationship and in spite of my desire to have one, I don't deserve one. If you want something, you don't deserve to have it. You must continue living your life without actively seeking that which you most desire. If it happens, then great. If not, then you must accept that and move on. But I cannot operate like that. It's not who I am. I don't know how to accept and move on. Therefore, I deserve to be alone because I am not capable of change or growth. I am who I am. I can pretend all I want to be the kind of person someone wants to be with, but I will always know in my heart that I'm living a lie. I want acceptance and love. And if I pretend to not be a shitty, broken shell of a human being, then whomever I would end up with would be accepting of the lie I created, not me. If I can't be accepted for the monster that I am, then I'd rather be alone forever. I hate myself and everything around me, drink heavily, self-mutilate, cannot regulate my own intense emotions, have entirely unrealistic expectations and desires, and am incapable of change. I am undateable and unlovable. The only person who understands me is my mother, as we have similar psychologies. I'm too indecipherable and difficult to relate to. The amount of effort it would take to truly get to know me and to see past the layers of bullshit is too much and the payoff is far too little to warrant even putting any forth. But it's all right. I actually find myself caring less and less as time goes on. I'm just another gross internet nerd, destined to die alone and unloved. Just like every other lonely nerd out there. All the time, I read about this 30 year old dude or that 50 year old bastard who lives alone, is a virgin, and contemplates suicide every single damn day. These people are everywhere and I'm just like them. Except for the virgin part. That notwithstanding, I'm one of a huge group. What are the odds that I'm any different, that I'll be the one to break free and find love? Negligible. But that's fine. This is just how I was meant to live. And I can't change that. The steps to change that would render me a different person, I would cease to exist as the person I know myself to be. I cannot deal with uncertainty and have a tenuous grasp on my identity as is. Change would result in the literal and figurative death of me. So I reiterate, I don't deserve to be in a relationship, and no one deserves to be dragged down into misery with me. How can I be expected to maintain a relationship when I can't even maintain my own self? I'm going to die alone and that's okay,
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
- K
