A mini update

I don't why I even bother getting upset at anything any more. Honestly, it should cease to surprise me whenever something bad happens. I received a call when I was working this morning, they left a voicemail. I checked my voicemail on my lunch break and it was from Community Mental Health. They called to inform me that my appointment with my social worker, scheduled for November 13th, was cancelled due to my therapist being on leave. She won't be back until sometime after the new year. At which point she'll call to schedule something.

This is the second time she has cancelled on me and I haven't even met her yet! Last month, I went to the ER with suicidal ideation and seeking admittance. They turned me away, saying I was not in any kind of critical condition and they didn't have the resources to care for me. They did set me up with an urgent care doctor, who then referred me to the mental health clinic. I met with a woman there, who then set me up to see a social worker who specializes in dialectical behavioural therapy, the principle treatment strategy for Borderline Personality Disorder. I was supposed to see her last Thursday but she cancelled on me, rescheduling me for November. Then that was cancelled today. Everyone always says that suicide is a serious matter and that is should be addressed immediately when someone displays signs of being suicidal. Well it is certainly evident that no one actually cares whether I live or not. Help is nothing more than a pipe dream. No one cares, so why should I? I know that something is going on in my therapist's life that is preventing her from working, I understand that. However, if the system was at all concerned, they would have at least tried to get me in to see someone. I don't like placing blame on others, bad that things that happen to me are usually my fault. But I feel that this is beyond my control. If I'm found dead in my apartment, they should place the blame on the mental health system for not caring enough to prevent it from happening. The funny thing is that it would take at least a month for anyone to find me dead. I have no friends to check up on me and my family rarely calls anymore. Hell, the one to find me would be my landlord and only after my rent checks started to bounce. I really should just end this already. I just need to summon the courage to do it.

Until next time.

- K